Going Fangirl

I took this picture at a motel I used to work at. Originally I captioned it "If he doesn't stop staring at me I'm gonna cut him"

I've met a few famous individuals in my life. IMO these are the highlights:

I met and got a photo with Mr. Greenjeans and the puppet Mr. Moose from Captain Kangaroo when I was 7-8 years old. The photo is nowhere to be found now.

This one is wild! When I was 13 these two guys performed at my Junior High. I got their autographs and later discovered one of them became my coworker at the ABC affiliate in Springfield, MO 12ish years later. Wayne Milnes would play Sammy B. Goode and I would be his Audio Technician. He was a busy man through his life and worked all over Branson, MO including Silver Dollar City where we also crossed paths when I was 15 when he played skits as the judge. I had a photo but lost that one in the memento box crime I'll talk about in a bit. He was an incredibly talented man and a great guy may he rest in peace.

While at the same TV station (KSPR) I got to put a microphone on John Goodman and lightly chat with him. He was in town for a telethon. The best part is this put me 2 degrees from Kevin Bacon in the game Six Degrees from Kevin Bacon! They've been in 5 movies together.

Now, at this point I've led you to my "fan girl" moment. After KSPR-TV, I went back to radio. This would have been around 1990. The station, KLTQ (Q-96) FM sponsored a concert with singers/bands from the 60's and 70's. The MC was Wolfman Jack from movies (does American Graffiti ring a bell?) and for me most importantly the late night TV show "The Midnight Special" that was broadcast through my teen years. The GM of the station asked me if I wanted to meet him. I said sure, and the moment I saw him just sitting in a chair relaxing before the show this SQUEAL rose out of my throat and I started shaking. WOLFMAN JACK WAS RIGHT THERE! WOLFMAN JACK! RIGHT THERE! SITTING IN A CHAIR AND NOW LOOKING SLIGHTLY ALARMED... I tried to calm down and asked him to sign the T-shirt in my hands which he did. But the BAD part is every time I've mentioned this no one seems to understand. Actually I was a bit surprised at my reaction but I'm not the least bit ashamed at going total fan girl. It was Wolf-freaking-man-OMG-JACK! The bad part is I didn't get a photo of us together to lose later. Damn it! But cheer up! I did lose the T-shirt. Actually it was stolen out of a U-Haul when I was packing to move by myself across town. The whole box of demo tapes, mementos that included my autograph book from Junior High, my picture of Wayne as the judge at SDC, and my music cassette collection swiped out of the back. People suck, except Wolfman Jack. Howl for the Wolfman!

Funeral Playlist

About a year ago I heard a beautiful song on a local LP (low power) blues/jazz radio station. It was a song by Anthony Gomes titled "Darkest Before the Dawn". I highly recommend listening. It's absolutely beautiful! But I bring this up because I had a thought I had never had in my life before as the music washed over my soul:

"I want this played at my funeral". 

Such a weird thing to think yet there it was. I'm healthy, no physical problems to worry me, and beyond an occasional fleeting idea of maybe I should decide where I want to be buried (though definitely cremation as I'm claustrophobic) I really haven't planned anything.

I called my best friend and asked her if this had ever happened to her. She got very animated and began telling me about her "funeral playlist" that she had had for years. Then she rattled off the top ten songs. You have to understand she has never shied away from the subject of death. She has worked in nursing homes and funeral homes at different points in her life. She would volunteer to sit with people at the nursing home in their last hours so they wouldn't be alone in the end. She has told me it's a peaceful experience. She's also a very organized person. She has her plot bought and has had it paid for since her 30's.

Then there's me who has one song and the idea of cremation. Am I supposed to be on this thing? Should I have this wrapped up with a bow by now? My parents did. My brother has already asked me if I minded he take the last space at our paternal family plot in our home town. Of course I said yes and he put his marker in place. 

I mean, of course I've had fleeting thoughts through the years. For a time I wanted to have an extended vacation after death at a Body Farm. I discovered the list of future volunteers is longer than needed. I'm also an organ donor and if by chance parts of me can go on to help others I would be turned down for not only a Body Farm but it would make me useless for a medical school as well. That makes it hard to go that route.

I have thought of a few things in moments of entertainment. I don't want a preacher acting like he knows me or even in attendance. No church music, and especially they better not play Green Green Grass of Home which seems to be a go-to at every damn funeral in my family. Ick. I would like an actor from the local theater to act like a preacher-of-sorts. I would love to have someone do their version of Jim Ignatowski (actor Christopher Lloyd) from the comedy series Taxi. Just a brainfried rambling monologue would be wonderful, but no one other than BHP and our son could know it's a performance. I don't see it really happening, but my funeral would be talked about for YEARS! lol

I don't like the whole funeral thing to tell you the truth. It's expensive and my family would have to put up with extended family who suddenly show up. I think I'd rather my ashes be added to compost and used to grow a tree in a national forest or wherever. Then I can haunt hikers. Maybe even become an Urban Legend. The Bitchy Ghost of the (insert name of forest). 

Touché

Two days ago I opened my email and saw one from a newspaper 2,000 miles from me! I got a bit hot and yelled "Why am I getting this!?" I opened it to unsubscribe, and immediately saw a recipe for Spiced Peach Pie. 

My grandma made delicious spiced peaches! She canned them, and the heady taste of cinnamon and clove in a sweet-pickled syrup was pure ambrosia!

Nodding, I said (yes aloud, because I talk to emails too) "Well played newspaper from across the country, well played." and didn't unsubscribe. They won this round. Touché.

Unless that Spiced Peach Pie sucks. 

The photo is my own. I bought a case of "canning peaches" prepandemic. They weren't pretty, but they made a great ice cream topper/peach cobbler filling I froze for the then future. I didn't inherit the canning gene, but our small deep freezer is very handy. 

Why? Chicken Thigh!

Speaking of thighs, mine disappeared. No abracadabra needed. Just one day I glanced in the mirror and I noticed I had bird legs! Now, I was one of those people who made swooshing noises if I dared to wear corduroy back when it was in style. Now I'd have no swooshing. If it were in style. But thankfully it's not and don't you DARE say it's acceptable! Because LA-LA-LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Just ick.

I've read it's "normal" to lose muscle and fat in your arms and legs as you age. It's also essential to eat, for women, 46 grams of protein a day. The problem is as I've aged I don't want meat, or as much as I did. If I can eat half the portion on my plate I'm doing good, but taking in the size of American portions it's actually pretty close to the needed amount? Maybe? I don't know. I'm new to this at the moment. Remember I've mentioned in the past to NEVER take my advice. Just don't.

Good news is my calves still look pretty good. They're smaller, but still nice enough. I've always liked my calves, so I'm happy about that.

What have I learned? 

I'd have to eat THIRTEEN TABLESPOONS of peanut butter to get 45 grams of fat. That's just shy of a cup, or about 24 peanut butter cookies. I'm not going to look up the calories. That would be mean.

(fyi: The picture is some leg quarters BHP smoked. They were delicious!)

There I Am!

 

Back in my 30's I decided I wanted to grow my hair out. I had kept short cuts since High School, and thought (I guess) it would be fun, or sexy, or who knows what was rattling around in my head. After several false starts including a disaster trip to a beautician after mine moved to Colorado that could only be fixed by going extremely short, I finally had hair down my back. Which I almost always kept in a messy bun at the nap of my neck. 

My son, who was born not quite two weeks before my 41st birthday, had never seen me with short hair. I just didn't think about it. I quit dying it and my natural hair is dark while my skin is fair and they never really matched. The dark hair made me look sick, but life was busy so I just didn't think about it.

Zoom ahead 20+ years. My hair, already beginning to thin really fell out after I got Covid in 2020 before there was a vaccine. My "oh, well" became "OMG! Ick!" Then, after thinking on it and getting a nudge from b/h/p (boyfriend/husband/partner for those out of the loop) I made the appointment and decided on a "Choppy Bob" before even showing up. The beautician, who I loved, assured me it was a great cut for me and helped me remember how to care for a short 'do. I had 11 inches cut off! I plan to donate it, but it's too short for some places. For the time being it's stored safely. I take after my maternal grandmother. She passed at 79 and was still salt and pepper, though more salt than pepper. So at 60 I have very little grey hair on my head. On my head. Do I have grey eyelashes? Yes. Grey pubes? My first grey hair was there. It's like a warped Dorian Gray. Instead of an aging painting in the attic, I'm storing my grey hair mostly in my "basement".

Anyway, I got home feeling pretty good. I even stopped and bought hair color, medium blonde, and used it immediately. That night while getting ready for bed I was washing my face. It was covered in suds, and I looked up in the mirror. With the suds covering all the wrinkles, the face looking back was that young woman I used to be! I gasped and blurted out "There I am!" It was like meeting a dear friend you haven't seen in decades and are shocked yet totally overjoyed. My heart raced and my eyes teared up. I missed her. I wasn't able to repeat that moment, though of course I tried the next night, but to have experienced it that once changed something inside me. I don't know if I can explain it. It flipped a switch I guess? I'm happier knowing "she's" not really gone, because I AM her. 

What I learned:

Maybe mirrors aren't my enemy after all. 

And maybe I'm ready to love my wrinkled, saggy, flawed self. Sure, it won't be easy, but I'm ready. As long as naps are provided.

Boyfriend/Husband/Partner?

I've been with the same man for 23 years. We've lived together for 18 of those years and yet to this day I haven't settled on how to address him to others. I've bounced between boyfriend or husband. My state, Missouri, doesn't recognize common law marriages, so kind of as an FU to "The Man" I wouldn't initially use husband. Now, I've read if we were willing to move to a state that recognizes common law and then move back after a set amount of time, our state would have no problem with the term. Weird hu?!  That's what happens when you have a state full of red yahoos. 

So anyway, lately I've decided partner isn't so bad, so I've add that to my list of descriptions. Somewhere out there is a person who thinks I'm a hussy and have both a husband and a boyfriend and I'm fine with that. I don't mind being spicy in someone stranger's mind. 

My boyfriend/husband/partner just calls me his wife. No muss no fuss. I think too much on things I guess, but that's just who I am.

I'll have to skip the "what have I learned" part. I'm even more confused today than I was 23 years ago.

Drawing A Line

Consider this is an imaginary line I'm drawing in imaginary sand. 

I turned 60 this year, but since I missed the majority of being in my 50's in this blog I'm going to make a list of the highlights and lowlights and use my imperfect memory as well as my imperfect "wisdom" to go over things from the magical place called hindsight.

I'll also complain, of course. Today is a perfect day to complain about! I mean I woke up refreshed and feeling good. I was even chuckling about a weird dream I can't remember now. THEN I HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! Ugh! Traffic was twice as bad as usual, and when I got back home from picking my partner and our son up from their 3rd shift jobs as well as going to the grocery store there was nothing to eat for breakfast. I settled on a bowl of frosted cornflakes and that's when I realized some JERK had ate all four perfectly ripe bananas I had bought yesterday! In one day! Granted that jerk was me (they were SO GOOD!) but still I'm going to complain because I can. Seriously those bananas were the most perfectly sweet brown freckled bananas I've had in a long time. I mean, I didn't eat them in one sitting. I had two for breakfast with a cold glass of buttermilk (it's something I learned from my mom. A sweet/sour combo that's a comfort food for me.) Then I didn't eat the other two until 8pm. If I didn't have to leave the house I'd go buy another bunch. Though banana pudding sounds pretty darn good... I'll think on it.

So that's my day and it's only 9:45am

What did I learn?

I guess that I missed blogging. Even this short entry makes me feel pretty darn good.

Tah-tah for now.

Hello Stranger!

Yes, I'm a bad girl for not posting in *looks at watch* seven years and four months. Sorry. Really I am! I truly enjoy writing, it's just Life is a bag of something. Trash? Rocks? Just crap moments interspersed with laughter and naps.

I quit writing because my laptop quit working. I think. It might have been the house fire though. That was months of "crap moments", but I think I'll save that for a post all by itself.

I did reread many of my posts and I thought: "Hey! I'm pretty good! That was so funny OMG woman!! YOUR?! IT'S YOU'RE! How do I edit that embarrassment out of existence!? SITE?! NOOOO! SIGHT! SIGHT! what is wrong with you!" 

So, anyway, it's bedtime now. I promise to try and catch you up later.

What have I learned?

I've learned a lot in seven years! I hope? Well, one thing is Burger King's new ChickKing sandwich is okay. Popeyes is better IMO, though homemade beats them all even if my sous chef (our Pointer mix, Emrys) gets sprinkled with flour while waiting for the inevitable dropped chunks of whatever. 

Good night folks.

Changing Tides

I took this picture at Pomme de Terre lake near Elkton, Missouri. It's a little public beach at the end of a dirt road I love to visit.

 

 

 

The first few years of being officially an "old lady", and not a 'this is my old lady' lady as some men say, was full of a lot of despondency. There was a lot of eating what I shouldn't, and not taking care of myself because I was blue. How could I even wash my face if I didn't want to look at my reflection? My answer was I didn't! Yes, I washed it when I was taking a shower, but I just quit using face cleaners and my once much loved Buf-Puf. I was lucky I still used deodorant! (Actually everyone around me was lucky on that one!) I didn't shave my legs as much as I should have either. I was a mess!

Sure, I was getting by. I could get out of bed every day. I could dress myself and take my son to school and his dad to work as needed. I could feed my family mostly “normal” meals, and I could even joke about being old. The problem was something was off. It’s hard to explain because I didn’t know there was something…not right…in the old noggin, or maybe it was the heart? I guess you could say I was on “autopilot”. Things got done, but it was only at the most basic level. I did only enough to get by and keep my family from mutiny.

About a month ago I took a selfie of myself for something I was writing. For the umpteenth time I whined to myself because my eyebrows had faded to the point that they were almost nonexistent.  This had been bothering me for a few years, and I hated the way it looked! This time, though, I had an amazing idea that had NEVER occurred to me before! I could dye them darker! Yes, this was not a new advanced idea in beauty. Others have dyed their eyebrows for decades, yet it had never occurred to me that I could too! I dye my hair, yet this was a moment when I should have heard trumpets play!

I did dye them and the change in how I felt was amazing! But more important, the eyebrows lead to buying a Buf-Puf and facial cleanser. Then the Buf-Puf led to cutting my intake of diet soft drinks and replacing it with water with a slice of lemon, and that steered me to wanting to eat less junk! This all happened within a months’ time, so the results aren’t noticeable on the outside just yet, but my heart and soul feel free and light as a bird!

Now I feel like I walked out from behind a dark veil to discover unfiltered sunshine for the first time in I honestly don’t know how long. My heart has grown because it’s full of happiness again, and I have rediscovered myself.

 

 

Hey! You out there! Yes, you, the one reading this. Don't give up! We will get through this together! It DOES get better!

Journey of Self Discovery

I was struck by a desire to write a new post for this blog. Maybe "need" would be a better word. I quit writing here to devote my time to a site that actually makes me money, but this was my first blog, and it’s the one I will never abandon.  It means everything to me because it gave me purpose when I needed it most!

I also can’t abandon the ones who come here to find a way through their own

excursion at turning 50. Do I have all the answers? No. But I do have experience at this whole ‘getting passed this landmark Birthday’.

If you sailed right past the big five-oh with barely a blink of the eye, go read someone else. But before you leave I want to ask you to make me a promise. If you have a friend who ISN’T able to enter their 50’s with rainbows coming out their butt, don’t poo-poo their pain. Don’t brush their tears off your shoulder when they come to you for help. This also goes out to the ones who are older and younger than 50. BE A FRIEND! At the very least keep your mouth shut and just give them a hug! Is that too much to ask?

Now that the happy people have moved on to read something else, we can get down to business. I will admit some that you will read in my blog is just my babbling about this and that, but it does all boil down to a few things I discovered and want to pass on to you:

• Cry if you need to. You have entered a sad moment. You need to mourn your lost youth. Trust me, it helps to get all that pain out. So cry, throw a tantrum, just whatever you need to do to get it out. Holding it in can cause illness, and that’s the last thing we need! If it embarrasses you, find somewhere private, or go to a gym and punch one of those bags boxers use. Better yet get in the ring and take a few punches at an actual person! They’re paid to get punched! Yea! I wish I had done that! I really wanted to punch someone when I turned 50. Wish I had thought of that then!
• Comfort yourself. It doesn’t even need to be food, though that’s what I chose for the first week. Get a manicure or pedicure, get your hair cut, or buy yourself a pretty scarf. Treat yourself to anything that makes you feel happy or at least better.  
• I have become more vocal. I don’t have time for games. If something bothers me I say it bothers me. My boyfriend and son aren’t always happy with this, but I refuse to bottle it in and hurt my mind and body anymore! You don’t have to be mean about it, but you can’t believe how the weight on my shoulders has lessened! This one is also for your health and well being.
• Find something that brings you joy. For me it’s writing. It’s my bliss. Maybe I’ll never win national awards, but it soothes my soul and gives my brain a workout. So, discover your love! There’s no rush to find your bliss. You might even try different things before you find ‘It’. Once you do, though, be prepared that some people won’t ‘get it’. Brace yourself against those who will try to dissuade you. I know my boyfriend doesn’t get it. He can’t understand that I HAVE to write every single day! If I can’t write at least a little I feel jumpy the whole day and am out-of-sorts, which is why it takes an emergency to keep me from my keyboard.

I guess that’s it for now. I wish you a wonderful journey of self discovery!