Cravings

Probably three months ago I got a craving for waffles. I have a waffle maker but I didn't want homemade, oh no. I was specifically craving the frozen waffles you put in a toaster from my childhood. 

Whenever I was at the grocery store and I suddenly realized I was standing in the frozen section staring lovingly at the boxes of textured hockey pucks I would admonish myself. I'd say "Self! You know you'll eat maybe half of a waffle and realize how disgusting they taste and then you'll have all these frozen waffles taking up space in the freezer. Then after a while you'll be forced to give them to the dogs as treats or toss them."

I'd reply "I know! I know! I just can't get the thought out of my head! Why can't I quit thinking about them?"

I kept dragging myself away but then one day in Dollar Tree I saw this box of six waffles for $1.25. I finally gave in using the reasoning that the craving wasn't going away and at least this was a small box so less waffles sitting in my freezer.

Almost the moment I got home I threw one in the air fryer to crisp up the outside. Then I smeared a little butter and a squiggle of syrup on it and sat down to prove to myself how stupid cravings could be. It. Was. Delicious! OMG! I couldn't believe how enjoyable it tasted! 

I don't know why turning 60 has brought such waves of nostalgia. I know it's normal, and I'm not saying I'm not enjoying revisiting childhood treats. I guess I just wish this would have happened sooner. I wish I had revisited 20 years ago or just always through my life. But here we are and I honestly hope I don't Debbie Downer myself next time and just dive right in and embrace my sentimentality.

DeNovo

A few weeks ago my son walked up and gave me a photo he had found on the floor. It was one of my dog DeNovo taken when she was a puppy and I honestly have no clue how it got there! She had been on my mind lately, so maybe she was letting me know she's okay and is still looking over me.

Twenty-eight years ago I took in a very pregnant Malamute named She-Ra. I knew it was just until a friend of a friend of a friend was able to take care of her again but through that I was gifted with a litter of puppies to squeal over, and a very special pup to enter my life. I named her DeNovo after a character in a Rex Stout Mystery and it meant "to begin again" or "to start a new". I had had cats for many years, and was still mourning the loss of all three that had died in a short time. Dudette had feline leukemia and died in my arms, I found Cecilia in my back yard. Possibly she was hit by a car as she showed no symptoms of F.L., and my little Tinkerbelle just disappeared. I looked everywhere and put up posters, but never found out what happened. I hope she found another person to take her in.

But DeNovo, who was Malamute and Akita, was special. We had a bond that was stronger than any dog I had ever had or have had and to this day I miss her terribly. 

I know I need to put the photo in my photo box before it gets damaged, but I sat it on the coffee table and through the day glance at her. It just makes me happy if not a little misty-eyed. I like the idea that she watches out for me and I strongly believe we will be reunited. Why I feel so strongly is for the first 30 days after she passed at the age of 13 I dreamed of traveling to a field of flowers where I would get to see my DeNovo. We would lay in the field and I would tell her how much I loved and missed her. On the last visit I was told by a woman who never seemed happy to see me my special girl had moved on. 

I woke myself crying.

I lost my Heeler mix Shady last Spring after 15 1/2 years so maybe DeNovo was telling me Shady is with her now. That would be wonderful!  I could fill up several pages on this subject to be honest! 

It has taken several months to write this post. I miss DeNovo and Shady so much. Pets hold a special place in our hearts.

The DMV

It was that dreadful time. The drivers license renewal. I had recently gotten new glasses and was confident about the eye test, but lordy have mercy I was NOT ready for the photograph! I want to know what evil monster is behind the invention of the camera that takes license photos! Maybe my new license is haunted and that's actually a snapshot of the ghost inside!

Driving home I said aloud to myself "If I just looked ten years younger I could live with this!" 

Once home I took a few quick selfies first thing and low and behold I did look at least ten years younger than the license photo! After breathing a sigh of relief I mumbled "did I just waste a secret wish on ten years? Should've said twenty."

I know I'm getting old. I get that. I also understand I'm not in a tax bracket to afford a facelift. I mean, if I was offered a free facelift if I got to the plastic surgeon's office in 20 minutes I wouldn't have to think about it for even a second. I would break traffic laws to get there! Until that happens I do what I can. Every morning and night I scrub my face and apply a good moisturizer. I also take a hyaluronic acid supplement daily to help retain moisture in my skin. 

I decided through this experience it was time to take a new photo to replace the over a decade old one I have been using in profiles. Some looked like I was constipated. Others had the "resting bitch face". After many tries I settled on the "has-been comedian" pose. It's not bad for 61 is it? It's heads above the DMV at least! 

Do I really have to remind you not to steal my face? Just in case, you do not have my permission to use my photo.

My new profile photo. I can honestly say it's better than the DMV's.

Stolen Thunder

A year ago I was invited to a wedding. While we were/still are in the Pandemic, the bride assured me there would be safeguards in place including having the ceremony outside and spacing the guest chairs. To say I was excited to BE GOING SOMEWHERE is an understatement. I was bonkers excited! I wanted to scream I was so happy! BHP and I even left a day early so we could visit his grandmother's grave and shower it with flowers. He hadn't been to visit since he was a teen so I was more than happy to go. Yeah, this part is off topic, but grave visits are important in my opinion.

Anyway it was an amazing wedding! It incorporated a nod to their shared Scottish heritage and I was blown away by her dress! BHP probably had a bruised shoulder from the number of times I banged on it through the updates leading up to and the wedding itself. They're! Taking! A! Train! To! Chicago! For the honeymoon! I want to take a train anywhere some day. It just seems so romantic to a person who lives somewhere passenger trains never come.

I need to get to the point of this post!

When our (20 yo) son was first out of high school he was gung-ho to start an algae farm. He recently dropped the idea because his research showed it wasn't as big of a moneymaking idea as he was first led to believe. I was so proud of him for researching! But at the wedding reception when the mother of the bride asked me how the son was, I started talking about the farm what was then still a future possibility. She stopped me and said "oh, yea, *insert relative's name* told us." I was taken aback why this person who has several children of their own not to mention something like 18-75 grandchildren AND 7-559 great grandkids and who HAD to have some damn news they could have talked about instead from at least one or two had to steal my thunder about my ONLY CHILD. I guarantee the relative rolled their eyes and laughed when they told her. I vowed right then to never tell them anything else ever again!

But... I started thinking... "hum...will that bring me joy?" I mean, I'm not going to go out of my way, but I made a point last time they called of mentioning the 6' tall, freezer on the bottom, refrigerator the son bought us for no reason other than he had a vendetta against the old one. Something fell off the top, broke the plate he was carrying which cut his hand so it was on! I figure that pissed them off. Maybe enough to glare at their own brood and possibly enough not to share it with the whole family tree because it's something good. Time will tell by someone else mentioning it to me as they're the only one I told as a test. Will I make stuff up and see how far it travels through the family? Tempting but no. I have enough trouble remembering real events. I don't want to have to remember fake bs.

Seriously though, he's really a great kid- or young man really. A few years back he said he's not cutting his hair until the world is a better place. Of course it's beautiful!      

 

Shut Up Imaginary Woman!

I woke after a solid 6 hours of sleep this morning. I hadn't been sleeping well, so I was happy to know I'd be starting this Friday more rested than I had been. From there the morning went downhill. Yay.

On the way to pick up BHP and our son from work (they both work 3rd shift) I decided I didn't like the truck in front of me. They were going the speed limit and weren't driving in any way erratically, but the unknown driver was getting on my nerves for existing within my field of vision. Lucky for me there were two lanes, so by switching I was able to change scenery to a little car that wasn't annoying and on I drove.

The boy immediately irritated me by getting in the car and saying "hello", and his dad I think tried to be funny in the grocery store that to my ears sounded like a personal attack. The freshly made old-fashioned style donut BHP bought me at our favorite donut shop was a smart move on his part. All the sweet glaze on a deepfried circle of dough gave him and our son a few moments of reprieve. It was unfortunately a fleeting moment in a sea of storm whipped emotion.

After my passengers finally decided to shut the hell up and let me sulk in quiet, this stupid voice in my head started telling me how grateful I should be to not be alone and to suck it up! Let me tell you I told that imaginary woman off and where she could shove her advice! The nerve of her!

My joints ached and I just wanted to be alone with a mug of coffee or tea somewhere. I don't get waking time by myself much, and this morning I really wanted some while knowing full well it wouldn't happen. I mean, sure, BHP and son go to bed in the late mornings, but they're still in the house. At that moment the circumference of my bubble had expanded to include said house, so they were invading my personal space.

I tried to sit on the porch with our pointer/hound mix. The neighbor across the street almost immediately walked out of his house and began to use his leaf blower. Come on! Really?! 

I know this mood will pass and I'll feel "normal" later. My guess is it's tied to that lovely, lovely menopause which I'm still waiting to go away. The night sweats thankfully ended and I'm grateful for that, and I would have to say the Linda Blair level mood swings have been limited to just a few with this one being the worst in my opinion. 

Maybe a nap? I don't know, but it sounds like a plan.

My porch companion, Emrys. He barked at Mr. Leaf Blower. It was just a single "borf" but he got his point across. I told him he was a good boi. 

Do not copy. He's our good boi not yours.

Cliques

I graduated high school in 1980. It would be five years before The Breakfast Club would premiere in theaters showing how five kids from different cliques would discover they had more in common than any of them knew. I've seen it many, many times over the years, but in high school did not live it. Cliques I mean. I wasn't popular, but I also wasn't hated or shunned by fellow students and felt no animosity towards them. Other students would say hello to me in the halls, and while I wasn't invited to any cool parties, I was more apt to hang with a few close friends or at my brother and sister-in-law's house. I was once told it was because my family had been in the area since the late 1800's so I got a pass as being "local". I have no idea how to verify this as true or false, so I don't know where to add to or link it in my imaginary storyboard or where to run the red yarn from the pushpins.

I did experience "rejections" later in life though.

When my son was in preschool a few of the younger mothers had a odd little clique and one mom especially would quite hatefully make sure I knew I wasn't invited to join their circle. I found it amusing that these young women were, I assumed from the dozen times I had watched The Breakfast Club at this point (see how I tied that together?), trying to relive a high school experience they had had or missed out on. Like being the "cool moms" maybe?

I became a mom at 40, so was at such a different place in my life than them. I graduated college with a BA in Communications, burned through millions if not billions of brain cells in my 20's and 30's, and I may have mentioned I met fricking WOLF MAN JACK! 

One thing I wonder about is if I'm going to run into cliques as I age. I don't plan to move to a retirement home, I don't plan to move anywhere, but I also know most things that will happen in my "golden years" won't be planned or even possibly wanted. Is it a common worry or a common experience? I have no clue but I assume any time you put a group of people together, like the preschool mom's I mentioned, there will almost always be "those types" who will want to be seen as better than everyone else.

“With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone."

                               -Oscar Wilde

This is me getting ready to graduate high school and conquer the world.

Reflection

Yesterday morning we had some grocery shopping to do. I was in the frozen section and caught my reflection in the glass door and it made me sad. Some days I forget I'm as old as I am for a moment and then I see myself. That whole "growing old gracefully" is BS. 

It's normal to feel down sometimes. We're allowed to have our moments of grief, sadness, anger, or whatever you're feeling in any given moment. Just don't stay in that darkness. You deserve better than that! It's also okay to tell someone who quips 'it's better than the alternative' to fuck all the way off. I hate those people.

Where Are They Now?

Have you ever been sitting doing nothing much and suddenly thought "Huh. I wonder what such-and-who is doing?" In this age of the internet you can do a search and possibly find out. Many times the choices involve obituaries as you get older. Sometimes you're not surprised and other times it can be sad knowledge that darkens the rest of your day. Of course you may find them on Facebook or other locations and you get to see a familiar face smile back though now older.

I've been looking for one childhood friend every-so-often for several years. I don't know if I would contact her if I found her, but I would love to see her smile.

John Farnham

I've been keeping up on John Farnham's surgery. He was Little River Band's lead singer from 1982-86. If you haven't heard he had a marathon 11 1/2 hour surgery on 8/23 to remove a cancerous tumor from his mouth and jaw reconstruction as they had to remove part of his jaw. Today the hospital reports he's awake and in stable condition. 

I just wanted to send healing energy and hope for a speedy recovery. 💚

Reminiscing

I took this picture several years ago. Notice the chunk out of it's wing, yet it still flew away.

Someone may wonder about how my "Going Fangirl" post helps with getting older? Beats me! I mean, this blog is just the ramblings from a "mature woman".

Although... I have noticed my thoughts turning backwards more than it did when I was younger. I even gave it a Google and now I have "Reminiscing" by the Little River Band stuck in my head. Granted, it's a good song and does kinda fit this subject.

It's perfectly fine to think of the past. It's your choices of thoughts that matters. To throw yourself a pity-party and roll around in bitter thought-mud doesn't help unless it also includes remembering how you handled it to have a positive outcome. Not just "I survived" but steps you took then that can help you improve your now. If all you're doing is wallowing in the muck then please try to stop the self torture. It can effect your mental and physical health in the now. I found out anger can increase inflammation, which is associated with illnesses like heart disease, arthritis and cancer, though mostly in those 80 and older. That's from The American Psychological Association.

On the flip side, stop with the "my childhood was perfect because I drank out of a hose and you younger hooligans suck" posts and attitude! What was perfect was not having bills to worry about because you were a KID, having a young body that didn't creak, pop, and hurt all the time, and not having to fix your own and everyone elses meals (which is a personal gripe of mine. My son will roll his eyes when I go off on a rant of how when I was in my twenties I'd eat a can of green beans for dinner and it wasn't necessary to cook full blown meals and WHY DO Y'ALL NEED TO EAT EVERY DAY! Go graze in the kitchen your own damn self! Honestly he's good at that... Oops  Off topic.) But do you honestly think your parents saw your "good ole' days" as their good ole' days? Of course not! 

Thinking back on happy memories, I feel and science agrees, can naturally boost Dopamine and Serotonin. Just don't mentally move there. Like a TV show you return to the present afterwards.

You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes before you die? Isn't this similar? I mean the death part is decades away knock-on-wood, but we begin to ask ourselves "did my life matter in the big scheme of things? Did I make a difference in other's lives? Was I a good person?" Just because we didn't cure cancer doesn't mean our existence wasn't important. 

What did I learn?

I had just enough in my Amazon gift card balance to get Little River Band's Greatest Hits! Yeah!

But seriously, I can check a lot of these boxes of what not to do. I've "won" arguments with a brilliant comeback against someone who's been dead for a decade or more. There are times when anger is needed. Like letting someone irl know you're angry instead of holding it in, or if that anger leads to activism, but to look backwards and be angry at things you can't change can be harmful. One of the good things that has come from the Pandemic is that you can seek help right on your phone. I'm not going to recommend any specific place, but there is NOTHING WRONG with saying "I need help", okay? Okay!